


falling into the arms of naked truth

by murderfuel



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Fluff, Heavy Angst, M/M, feitan teaches him, shalnark doesn't understand love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:26:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28595445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/murderfuel/pseuds/murderfuel
Summary: His heart hurts. It fucking hurts like hell. It feels like a hand is crushing his heart and stepping all over it. He isn’t used to this feeling. The feeling of his heart itching with hurt every time he sees Feitan talking to someone else and ignoring him.ORShalnark doesn't understand his feelings for Feitan.
Relationships: Feitan/Shalnark (Hunter x Hunter)
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	falling into the arms of naked truth

**(A.)**

His heart hurts. It fucking hurts like hell. It feels like a hand is crushing his heart and stepping all over it. He isn’t used to this feeling. The feeling of his heart itching with hurt every time he sees Feitan talking to someone else and ignoring him.

Maybe it’s jealousy.

It can’t be. Shalnark swears up and down that he wouldn’t get jealous, that simply isn’t feasible. 

Feitan isn’t his. He’ll never be. Neither of them could ever commit to one another. It isn’t in their nature to fall in love and stick with each other until their dying breaths.

A teeny tiny piece of Shalnark knows he loves Feitan. He always has. He loves the long locks of black hair he’ll never get to run his fingers through during late nights together. He adores the way Feitan pulls his knees to his chest on cold nights to get the littlest bit of warmth. He finds his heart fluttering whenever he looks at Feitan’s lips moving as the short boy speaks, knowing that their lips will never touch.

It doesn’t hurt to imagine himself being Feitan’s, right?

Shalnark hopes so.

**(B.)**

Feitan’s hands touch Shalnark’s. They only touch for a fraction of a second from Feitan reaching for the mustard. Yet it still has Shalnark flustered, feeling as if the whole world has paused.

**(C.)**

“Shal,” Feitan calls out. Shalnark hates it when Feitan calls him that. Hates how it makes him feel all giddy inside like a little girl. He cherishes every single ‘Shal’ that slips past Feitan’s lips and keeps them locked away in the deepest parts of his brain where no one except him can replay them over and over.

“Yeah?” Shal responds, voice chipper and light.

“You want mooncake?”

Feitan’s hand reaches out, a singular wrapped mooncake in his hand, untouched. 

Shalnark laughs. “That’s all the food we have for tonight. You need to eat more than I do. You are short after all.”

Feitan scoffs.

“Tch. I no hungry. You eat.” He throws the mooncake at Shalnark.

Shal unwraps the treat and tears it in half. He gives the bigger half to Feitan. “We can share.”

They both eat in silence.

**(D.)**

Shalnark gets lost in Feitan. His head is full of thoughts of his crush. 

Even as he does simple tasks (stealing and killing) Feitan never leaves his mind. He tries to push away his feelings, tries to make his mind go back to normal. He wants to feel _normal_. If he’s completely honest, he’ll admit he doesn’t remember what normal is like. For months his body, mind, and soul has been plagued by one man.

It’s pathetic.

Shalnark doesn’t love. He doesn’t know how to. He refuses to get attached because eventually, everyone will leave. 

He believes that he is incapable of love. That it isn’t something meant for him to experience. Love is out of his reach, teasing his fingertips and making him think love is on the horizon. It isn’t.

Feitan does not love him back.

He never will.

At night when he is wrapped up in the thinnest blanket possible, laying on the hard, rough ground, he cries. He lets out everything in him in the form of fat tears.

He lets his feelings build and build until they’re towers made from his unrequited love and agony.

Those towers come crashing down when he cries.

Shal lets his thought run rampant. Letting them convince that Feitan would never love him back even though the universe is constantly pulling them together.

Shalnark is ruining himself day by day.

**(E.)**

Shalnark misses what Feitan is saying. He’s too caught up in yet another daydream where he and Feitan are boyfriends and in love.

“Can you repeat that?” Shalnark asks.

“Tch. I say you like to walk?” Feitan says, eyebrows knitted in that adorable way of his. “With me.” He clarifies. 

Shalnark may be going insane but he notices the slightest bit of pink dash Feitan’s cheeks.

“Where?”

“Park.”

Shalnark hasn’t been to the park since he was a little boy, still learning what the real world was like before his humanity and childhood was snatched away from him.

The pure thought of the park makes a wave of nostalgia wash over Shalnark. 

“I would love to go on a walk with you!” Shalnark beams.

The park is across the street from their current hideout. It’s nice; large fields, a playground, thousand of tiny flowers scattered across the ground, a walkway leading into the woods.

Shalnark and Feitan walk on the path, made of gravel. Neither of them speaks, too lost up in their thoughts.

Shalnark remembers the last time he went to a park. He was only eight, starving and homeless in Meteor City, spending his days at the park—if you could even call it that since it was nothing more than sand in a box with a swingset—to distract his mind from his rumbling stomach.

Feitan, Chrollo, Pakunoda, and some of the original Troupe would join him. Not always. Most days he sat alone in a pile of sand, building castles that were blown away with the wind.

He used the park to escape from the world. Every time he went to relax, he felt like the anxiety and anguish had been lifted up off of him and that for one hour, everything in his life was perfect.

The park holds a special place in his heart.

Feitan would visit Shalnark, help him build all sorts of wild creations with sticks and twigs. Occupied their minds as bodies were torn to shreds near them by ravenous individuals desperate for any meat to subdue their hunger.

You see, Meteor City is a strange place. Kids lose their youth far too early, forced to grow into mature beings at a young age. Kids in Meteor City don’t get normal childhoods—they kill, steal, grow up all by themselves. It’s disturbing, so much to the point where the outside world looks down on them for that.

The park kept all of the young Troupe from going insane. Let them cling to the smallest bits of childhood. 

Shalnark knows he shouldn’t feel nostalgic over the past—everything about his youth was terrible. He spent nearly fifteen years of his life wishing he wasn’t thrown into the ever-spinning wheel of life. He wished he would die almost every night, acting carelessly. To him, being alive was a worse fate than death. 

Throughout all of his internal suffering, he found something to keep him living; Feitan. The crush started off as a little bud, a small cluster of romantic feelings that Shalnark ignored, and then slowly bloomed into a flower full of love.

Shalnark couldn’t let himself fall in love with Feitan. He slept around and went from girlfriend to girlfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend, rinse and repeat. All to distract his mind from his developing crush on the short boy. It didn’t work; Shal’s heart has, and is, Feitan’s and Feitan’s only. Feitan could fuck Shalnark over a hundred times and Shalnark wouldn’t care, he’d keep moving on with life with a bright smile on his face.

“You quiet,” Feitan’s husky voice pulls Shalnark out of his trance. “Why?”

“Oh you know, my mind got a little distracted,” Shalnark singsongs.

Feitan bends down and plucks a flower from the ground—a fallen cherry blossom. He grabs Shalnark’s chin and brings him down to face level, in a swift movement, he places the flower behind Shalnark ear.

“Fei?” Confusion overcomes Shalnark.

“Shh, no speak.”

Shalnark’s mouth presses into a thin line, a small smile quirking at the corners, a blush creeping onto his cheeks.

“I like you, Shal,” Feitan pauses, looking up at Shalnark with soft eyes.

A soft exhale of air leaves Shalnark’s lips. Feitan doesn’t wait for Shalnark to say he returns his feelings. He slides his fingers in Shal’s, cold meeting warm.

Overhead, birds caw and fly in packs, a scattering of onyx on a cerulean canvas. Trees, specifically cherry blossoms, hang down low, brushing against their bodies. The air is breezy, enveloping them in a pleasant coolness.

Shalnark’s heart is racing, because god, he’s holding hands with the boy he’s in love with.

He knows he isn’t dreaming, this is real. His fingers are intertwined with Feitan’s and they’re, _technically_ , on a date if you squint.  
Shalnark pauses. “I, uh, like you too, Fei.”

**(F.)**

Feitan walks in Shalnark’s bedroom, clad in a loose black shirt and pajama pants with tiny skulls all over them.

The room is cold—well it’s not just cold, it’s _freezing _—and shivers run up and down Feitan’s frail body. Shalnark’s wrapped in a blanket, warmth enveloping him. His eyes are focused on his phone, no doubt watching a shitty movie.__

__

__Feitan’s hand grips the present, soft velvet pressing against his rough skin, the weight of what he was doing stopping him in place._ _

__

__Feitan sits on the end of the bed, keeping his distance. His hands trail up Shalnark’s thigh, grabbing the blonde’s attention. Shalnark turns off his phone and sets it on the nightstand._ _

__

__“Is there something you need?” Shalnark asks._ _

__

__Feitan opens his mouth to speak, only small squeaks come out. He doens’t know why he’s so fucking nervous, all flustered like a middle school girl. His hands are sweaty around the case._ _

__

__“I-” Feitan stops himself, reconsidering his words. He should play it off cool—yeah that’s a marvelous idea._ _

__

__“I get you something,” Feitan holds out the case. Shalnark smiles, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, as he grabs it. He opens it revealing a stunning necklace full of intricate little designs and diamonds._ _

__

__“I can’t accept this,” Shalnark says after a long silence._ _

__

__“Why?”_ _

__

__“It’s expensive.”_ _

__

__“I steal it.”_ _

__

__“Still, this is too much. Return it or give it to Pakunoda.”_ _

__

__“No. It for you.”_ _

__

__“Fei.”_ _

__

__Feitan snatches the necklace from Shalnark’s hands._ _

__

__“Turn around.” Shalnark does as Feitan says. Feitan puts the necklace on Shalnark, fingers brushing against Shalnark’s neck in a way that makes the blonde go wild. Red dances across the tops of Shalnark’s ears at Feitan’s gentle touches._ _

__

__Feitan crawls over so that he sits on his knees right in front of Shalnark._ _

__

__“You pretty.”_ _

__

__Shalnark’s heart races, mind running on thoughts of the boy looking at him with warm eyes that are begging Shal to look at him the same way. Shalnark knows Feitan’s begging to be held, even if his mouth won’t say that. Feitan loves Shalnark as much as Shalnark loves him. But Shalnark doesn’t believe this._ _

__

__Yet, despite his mind screaming ‘no’ over and over again, Shalnark leans in and presses his lips to Feitan’s, hands running through Feitan’s mess of black hair._ _

__

__Feitan wraps an arm around Shalnark’s neck, pulling him down on top of him._ _

__

__They stay entangled in one another, lips clashing with passion, legs around waists, hands exploring every inch of each other’s bodies, for hours, neither of them bothering to get up because what could possibly be better than being together?_ _

__

__“What are we?” Shalnark asks, hours later. It’s late, the sky obsidian sprinkled with bright white, moon shining through the window, everyone sleeping (including Feitan)._ _

__

__Feitan groans, turning over to face Shalnark._ _

__

__“I don't know. Boyfriends.” He doesn’t say it like a question, more like a statement. In his mind, he and Shalnark are boyfriends, even if Shal doesn’t agree. Feitan ruffles his pillow, flipping it to the cold side._ _

__

__“Oh.”_ _

__

__**(G.)** _ _

__

__How was Feitan managing to be the sweet one in the relationship?_ _

__

__Shalnark repeats this question over and over again in his head, never coming up with an answer._ _

__

__Feitan shows Shalnark what love is; with soft kisses that feel like heaven shining down on Earth, with hands that brush soft blonde locks behind ears, with lips that praise Shalnark, tell him how amazing he is. Even on days where Feitan is pissed off, he still sets aside time for Shalnark, his mood changing almost immediately upon seeing Shalnark’s muscular frame come into view._ _

__

__Feitan keeps Shalnark at ease, extinguishing the fires in Shalnark’s mind._ _

__

__Shalnark puts on his phoniest smile, barrel putting any effort into the relationship. He pretends everything is fine, pretends that this was what he wanted, he pretends to be happy even though his heart is screaming at him to get out before he hurts Feitan._ _

__

__Their relationship has been doomed from the start. Mindless pining without realizing how _horrible_ they are for one another. Shalnark doesn’t know how to love Feitan._ _

__

__Shalnark wants to kiss Feitan, wants to tell Feitan how much he means to him, wants to stare into Feitan’s soft eyes until the world stops and starts to revolve around them. But he can’t. He stops himself. Shuts off his emotions and plasters another silly smile on his face.  
Shalnark’s deceiving everyone, including Feitan._ _

__

__Why can’t I be normal? He thinks, in the bathtub, knees pulled up to his chest, ugly sobs escaping him._ _

__

__He hates this feeling—the feeling of emptiness. For years he yearned after Feitan and now that he was in his grasp, Shalnark has given up, not giving Feitan the love he deserves._ _

__

__When will this end?_ _

__

__When will Shalnark start to feel _something_? He pines after the old sparks he used to feel touching Feitan. Things used to be so good—perfect even—what happened?_ _

__

__Shalnark drains the tub, covering himself in a towel and the smile that always graces his face, and leaves the bathroom._ _

__

__**(H.)** _ _

__

__Feitan’s hands make quick work of shoving clothes into a bag. A scowl is on his face, his entire face warning that he was ready to snap at anyone who dared approach him, much like a poisonous snake._ _

__

__Feitan’s sour mood doesn’t stop Shalnark._ _

__

__“What are you doing?” The blonde asks, grabbing Feitan’s wrist. Feitan swats his hand._ _

__

__“What you think.” Feitan spits, shoving more clothes into the bag._ _

__

__Shalnark repeats his question._ _

__

__“I’m leaving,” Feitan says.” Say you love me or I leave forever. I sick of being puppet for you. I no toy.”_ _

__

__“What-” Shalnark runs a hand through his hair. “I’m not treating you like a toy. You’re my boyfriend._ _

__

__Feitan pauses, thinking. “You play with me. No love. This no fun anymore.”_ _

__

__“I’m sorry, Fei, I’m not ignoring you on purpose,” Shalnark lies. All he has done is avoid Feitan. They live together yet Shalnark tries to not see Feitan as much as possible. He takes up extra troupe missions so he can occupy himself. Anything to not have to look into Feitan’s loving cinders that ache for Shal to love him._ _

__

__“Say it,” Feitan demands._ _

__

__Shalnark can’t. Something’s holding him back. Thick reins tie around his heart, preventing him from telling Feitan how much he loves him._ _

__

__He wants to say those three little words, but saying them would mean coming to terms with how much he fucking loves Feitan. He doesn’t desire that. So it’s time to let Feitan go._ _

__

__“No.”_ _

__

__“We over,” Feitan declares, tossing his duffel bag over his shoulder. Tears prick at his eyes. “I love you.” Feitan says before leaving their shared home._ _

__

__Once Feitan’s out of sight, Shalnark crumbles. His legs go weak and he falls onto the ground. Fat drops of tears roll down his race. Pain shoots throughout his chest._ _

__

__He gave up the love of his life. And for what?_ _

__

__He hates himself; he’s stupid, makes the worse decisions on a whim, never comes to terms with his true thoughts and feelings._ _

__

__Shalnark desires nothing more than to be normal._ _

__

__He weeps and weeps and weeps until tears no longer leave him and he’s dry-heaving, trying to catch his breath._ _

__

__He’s lost Feitan; the short boy is no longer in his reach. They’re miles apart now. It’s over._ _

__

__**(I.)** _ _

__

__Seeing Feitan hurts. It’s been weeks since the breakup yet they’re still forced to go on missions together (their relationship was a secret, Chrollo thinks everything is fine between them)._ _

__

__He thinks of black hair and slanted eyes and deep, maniacal laughter. His head runs rampant with thoughts of everything Feitan._ _

__

__Shalnark remembers everything about their relationship fondly; the slight hum let Feitan let out when happy, the feel of Feitan’s head in his lap, the shock that went throughout his body whenever Feitan touched him._ _

__

__He’s ignoring his fuckups._ _

__

__He’s convinced himself that he’s moved on, when he hasn’t, he’s far from moving on._ _

__

__It’s strange, truly, how once Feitan was out of his grasp once again, the crush returned, with a fiery passion. Shalnark only desires what he can’t have. He’s peculiar. He likes the thrill—the rush of running after a goal—but hates getting what he sought after._ _

__

__Feitan’s different._ _

__

__Feitan isn’t another one of Shalnark’s toys; he can’t be played with until Shalnark loses interest. Shalnark doesn’t see Feitan as a puppet, something below him. He sees him as an equal._ _

__

__This is all new to Shalnark; seeing someone as more than something he can fuck with. He hates this. This foreign feeling is taking over him, consuming his being until he questions who he is and what his values are._ _

__

__Until Feitan comes running back to him, Shalnark will stay silent. It won’t make a difference._ _

__

__“Hey, fuckhead,” Phinks smacks the back of Shalnark’s head._ _

__

__“What the hell!” Shalnark exclaims._ _

__

__“Pass me another beer.”_ _

__

__Shalnark reaches his hand into the cooler and grabs a can of beer for Phinks. They’re outside of another shithole that they’re calling ‘home’ for the time being. The sun’s beating down on them, sweat dripping down bare backs, glasses wet with condensation. Shalnark passes the drink to Phinks._ _

__

__“So when are ya gonna tell Feitan?” Phinks asks, cracking the beer open._ _

__

__“Excuse me?”_ _

__

__Phinks laughs. “Tell him that you love him.”_ _

__

__Shalnark’s smile fades, a scowl replacing it._ _

__

__“How do you know that?”_ _

__

__“You both were so obvious. Fucking when I was in the other room. Holding hands underneath the table. Sneaking off together in the middle of missions.” Phinks pauses, gulping down half of his beer. “And you two started to pull away from one another. Feitan’s mood would change whenever you walked into the room.”_ _

__

__“So?”_ _

__

__Phinks rolls his eyes. “So I asked him what was going on and he told me about the breakup.”_ _

__

__“Oh.”_ _

__

__Phinks glares at Shalnark._ _

__

__“You listen to me, you’re going to call Feitan and ask him to meet up. You will tell him how much you love him and you will fix your relationship.”_ _

__

__“What if I don’t love him?”_ _

__

__“Don’t try to lie your way out of this, Shal. You love him and it’s obvious. Stop pushing him away because you’re feeling something for once.” Phinks crushes the can in his hands, flicking it at Shalnark. “Tell him you love him before you lose him forever.”_ _

__

__**(J.)** _ _

__

__Shalnark’s hand grips his phone, thumb hovering over Feitan’s contact._ _

__

__If he calls Feitan he’ll have to face the truth. Does he really want this? He doesn’t know, yet he still rings Feitan._ _

__

__The line goes on and on for an uncomfortable time until Feitan picks up._ _

__

__“What?” Feitan hisses._ _

__

__“I-” Shalnark clears his throat, trying to ignore the tears that have welled up in his eyes._ _

__

__“Can we meet up later?” Shalnark asks._ _

__

__“Why?”_ _

__

__“I have some things to tell you…”_ _

__

__“Where?”_ _

__

__Shalnark lets out a sigh of relief. He hadn’t expected to get this far._ _

__

__“The alleyway next to the bakery.” The perfect place away from the world where they can be alone and talk without fear of being caught._ _

__

__“See you there.” Feitan hangs up._ _

__

__**(K.)** _ _

__

__Shalnark walks into the alley, lavender flats slapping against the concrete._ _

__

__Feitan’s nowhere to be seen—which is not a surprise considering it’s pitch black dark outside and the streetlights give off the faintest amount of light._ _

__

__“Fei?” Shalnark calls out, stuffing his hands in his pockets._ _

__

__He hears someone choke._ _

__

__“Feitan?”_ _

__

__“H-he—” Feitan says from on the ground. He’s gripping his side, blood soaking through his fingers. A wound stretches from the bottom of his stomach up to right under his armpit, the result of a jagged knife._ _

__

__“Feitan!” Shalnark sinks onto his knees and lifts Feitan’s head up._ _

__

__“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Shalnark murmurs, wiggling out of his coat and using it to apply pressure on Feitan’s wound._ _

__

__“How long have you been here like this?” Shalnark asks, dialing a number on his phone._ _

__

__“Thirteen-ish minutes. You late.”_ _

__

__“Fuck. Stay with me, I’m calling Machi. She should be in the city._ _

__

__The phone rings and rings until they hear Machi’s ringtone._ _

__

__“FUCK.”_ _

__

__Feitan laughs, and then winces in pain._ _

__

__“It okay Shal. Nothing I no used to.” He smiles._ _

__

__“It’s not okay,” Shalnark rests Feitan’s head on his lap and runs his fingers through his hair in frustration._ _

__

__“Why you want to meet up?” Feitan changes the topic._ _

__

__And with that the knot around his heart unravels and the words slip out of his mouth like a pad of butter melting on a pan. “I love you. Fuck, I really love you. I love you more than anything else. I love the small smile that appears on your face when you talk about your favourite things. I love the way you insist on being the big spoon and pretend you don’t like being straddled. I love how you get cold easily and rely on me to warm you up.” Shalnark smiles._ _

__

__He grabs Feitan’s hands, running his thumb on Feitan’s._ _

__

__“I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.” Shalnark kisses Feitan’s bony hands before peppering his face in hundreds of tiny kisses that brush against every inch of Feitan’s face._ _

__

__Feitan looks at Shalnark with awe; like he’s finally seeing the boy in his true nature for the first time. It’s beautiful._ _

__

__“I love you too, Shal.”_ _

__

__Feitan chokes, blood squirting onto his shirt._ _

__

__“Let me go. I hurt.” Feitan pleads._ _

__

__Shalnark can see the pain behind Feitan’s eyes even if he’s trying not to show it._ _

__

__“Please, Feitan, I can save you. Just wait.”_ _

__

__“I done. Please.” Feitan begs._ _

__

__Shalnark lets out a shaky breath and removes the jacket off Feitan’s wound. He watches as Feitan’s breathing starts to slow down and his eyes start to flutter closed._ _

__

__“I love you,” Feitan slips away._ _

__

__Shalnark sobs._ _

__

__“Feitan please, come back, I know you can,” Shalnark pleads. “I love you. Is that enough? Come back, don't leave me all alone. I can’t be by myself. I need you. I love you, please.”_ _

__

__Shalnark’s realizing that he needs Feitan—it’s easier to live with Feitan around—he doesn’t want to lose his happiness._ _

__

__The chain around his heart crumbles, disintegrates into nothing with Feitan._ _

__

__He needs him._ _

__

__This can’t be the end._ _

__

__But it is. Shalnark’s alone. Starting from scratch. All of the emotions he’s felt in the last few months are gone, replaced with the feelings of emptiness and nothingness._ _

__

__Shalnark’s reason for change is gone._ _

__

__He throws Feitan over his shoulder, walking back to his and Phink’s part-time home. He lays Feitan on his bed, tucking him in, and unsure of what to do next._ _

__

__Shalnark knows it’s all his fault that Feitan’s dead. If only he had said ‘I love you’ earlier they wouldn’t be in this situation. If only he didn’t ask to meet up then Feitan would’ve been home safe._ _

__

__Shalnark’s ruined Feitan’s life and wellbeing._ _

__

__It’s time for Shalnark to restart. All progress he’s made in accepting his emotions is refreshing._ _

**Author's Note:**

> this was a very...self indulgent fic...*puts head in hands in shame* but it was really fun to kind of explore shalnark's character and how he'd react to being in love with feitan. feitan's a little ooc I know :(
> 
> also huge thank you to min for helping me figure out how the hell to end this fic. ily /p
> 
> anyways I hope you enjoyed this fic !! as always, kudos and comments appreciated !


End file.
